HOPELESS HOPEFULS
By: Geomari Dominguez
“They say that it’s safe to say your secret to a stranger because they won’t judge.”
“We’re here,” he said as he flashed his smile to us.
The breathtaking view of the white sand, the crystal clear water, and the tall coconut trees. The cool breeze touched my face. The peaceful sound of the waves. The soft hummings of the birds.
All of those felt like a comforting embrace to the person living with HIV, the terminally ill patient, the pregnant high school student, and the drug addict.
Why did we end up here?
It was another tiresome afternoon, I was scrolling through my newsfeed waiting to be amused or envious of other people’s posts. Suddenly, one post stood out.
“They say that it’s safe to say your secret to a stranger because they won’t judge. Join me and we’ll go away together. Let’s take a break from the chaos of this world. Join me in a three-day trip Hopeless Hopefuls.”
I forgot that I randomly joined Facebook groups and joined this “Hopeless Hopefuls” Group. Somehow, I think that I needed that break. Break from this chaotic world.
I messaged that person who posted that “adventure” to count me in. He is wearing his circular, black frame glasses and white button down polo in his profile picture. He looked like he’s reliable.
Minutes later, he replied with, “Sure :) Send me your address.”
I sent him my address and he replied “I’ll pick u up tom :)”.
I am hoping that this is not a scam or kidnapping because what will they do to an HIV positive person. I am worth nothing.
Now, the four of us are standing before the scenery of sunset and sea. As we carry and unload our bags of deepest secrets to strangers.
“Let’s introduce ourselves first. Shall we?” said by the mastermind of this escapade. He just got out of the car holding the picnic baskets that, I think, he prepared.
“I am Alexandre Santillian. The one who plotted this escape for us, Hopeless Hopefuls. Nice to meet you all!” he said as he beamed his smile to us. He is wearing a white button down polo layered with navy blue sweater and black pants. His hair is well-combed and he looked clean.
“Um, I’m Rhiann Hermosa. High school student,” she said without maintaining eye contact and caressing her tummy. She is wearing a yellow puff sleeve shirt and denim pants. Her black hair is wavy and goes down to her neck.
“Benj Valdez. Same as Rhiann, High School Student,” I said as my eyes stared at them lifelessly. I wore a simple green polo shirt matched with red shorts. I also colored my hair red yesterday to look cool on this trip.
“Hey yo, Nick Torres here. Dropout,” he muttered as he raised his right hand to wave. He is wearing a gray hoodie and black sweatshorts. He has mohawk hair that has highlights.
“Okay, so let’s go inside Rhiann, Benj, and Nick,” he welcomed us inside a two-storey rest house here in Batangas.
So, we are all high school students here. I just ran away from home. They don’t know where I am.
“Bro your house is on fire,” Niki shouted as he roamed around.
“Thank you, I hope we would not set it on fire... literally,” he grinned as he delivered the corny joke.
He is in the kitchen preparing the sandwiches he prepared. He entertains us with his singing and dancing.
“Are you also high school student?” I asked him.
“Yes, homeschooled.” he answered.
After his preparation of the food, we all went outside.
We sat on the mat placed on the sand a few inches far from the sea. He heated the bulalo and gave each of us a bowl.
“So, what brought you guys here? What is it that you wanted to escape from?” he opened the conversation as he looked straight to the sunset.
“Don’t worry. No judgments,” he raised his right hand to assure us.
Nate sighed as he stood in front of us.
“I-I'm a drug addict, that's why I drop out. I know, I know, I’m too young. I’m wasting my life. But I’ve to earn a living a-and my parents are sick. A-and I’m the only one who can work but what can I do. I’m just high school student..”
“...Someone asked me to sell drugs because it’s easy money. I know it’s wrong, but that’s the only thing that could pay our bills and buy medicine for my parents. But, I-I have tried applying for other jobs but they don’t accept minors. I was desperate…”
“... and because of that they were ashamed of me, and they didn’t care if I got lost or died. But now, promise, I’m trying to be clean from drugs and go back to school. I still want to be, you know, a policeman. I know it’s ironic. Me, an addict wanting to be a policeman. But that's been my dream ever since. ‘Cause I want my parents to be proud of me. I really want them to be proud of me. ”
We attentively listened to Nick and felt his pain because we, too, have gone through pain.
Alexandre rose to give Nick a hug. He tapped his back as the tears flowed in his eyes. Then, he offered a sandwich to him. He said nothing, but he has brought comfort to Nick.
“Thanks,” he whispered to Alexandre as he sat down again.
“Whew… guys, can we dance after someone has shared?” Alexandre asked.
“C’mon guys, please,” he put his hands together and pouted.
“Yeah, let’s be fired up,” Nick shouted as he motioned us to stand up.
“What are we dancing?” I asked.
“The Coconut Song hehe,” he laughed because he got what he wanted.
Alexandre played the song on his phone and connected it to the bluetooth speaker.
~“The coconut nut is a giant nut
If you eat too much, you'll get very fat
Now, the coconut nut is a big-big nut
But it's delicious nut is not a nut”~
Rhiann and I danced awkwardly, but Nick and Alexandre danced like there is no tomorrow.
Alexandre went inside to get some wood and lighter. Then, he placed the wood in the center and started our own kind of “camp fire”.
“How about you, Benj? Would you like to share?” he volunteered me to go next, how nice of him.
“Well,” I stood in front of them and cleared my throat.
“My mother didn’t like me at all. She despised my entire existence. And I am not even exaggerating. She said that I am the one who caused all of her misfortune and mishaps. She believed that I am the ‘bad luck’ to her… and to our family. I grew up wanting to be wanted, longing to be loved…”
“I searched for love that I was deprived of, in the wrong place, in the wrong person. I went out to different bars and attended different parties. Yeah, I’ve been used and discarded by many partners. And it’s too late for me to realize that I abused myself in pursuit of searching for the love I wish my mother gave me…”
“It’s too late now because… I am now living with HIV,” I paused because the flashbacks were heavy and looking back I’ve failed to find the love that I needed.
“Now, they are more disgusted, especially my mother. I am all alone now. When the results came out, my whole world shattered. I thought of ending my life many times… because no one in this world will ever love me. But, I still want to prove them all wrong. I am worthy of being loved. I wanted to be a painter that’s what keeps me alive, so if I’ll still live I wish to pursue that. That’s all,” I shared and after I wiped the tears that rolled down my cheek.
To my surprise, they all stood up and hugged me. The warmth of embrace, the genuine empathy, and the thing they call “love”. They made me feel all of those things.
“Thank you! You guys don’t know how much this means to me.” I returned their embrace and stayed there for a little while.
“So, you know what we’ll be doing. Let’s shake it off,” Alexandre said smiling.
The Coconut Song played in the background while all of us danced. I am more comfortable now to show them my bedroom dance. And laughed with them because of our hilarious dance moves.
“I’ll go next, “ Rhiann stood in front of us.
“Whew… I came from a very, very strict and conservative family. As the eldest in our family, I am expected to be disciplined, obedient, and... to be the breadwinner of the family. I am not allowed to go out with friends. School then go home, that’s pretty much my routine. I want to be a normal teenager like everyone else…”
“So, I tried to violate my agreement with my parents to not have a boyfriend until after college. I was pressured by my peers to date this boy who’s been courting me for weeks. I eventually dated him. I know that’s dumb. I didn’t know exactly how to act when you were in a relationship since he was my first boyfriend, so I trusted him. Which, by the way, was really dumb of me to do…”
“I gave him my all. And one day he asked me to stay with him and there it happened. Last week I tested for pregnancy and I am pregnant...” she sighed.
“Now, I don’t know how to tell my parents about this. Even my friends don’t know. I am scared of disappointing my parents. And the worst part is my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and told me to abort the pregnancy. I want to keep the child. I don’t want this child to think that he or she is a mistake. But I am scared that I will not be able to provide for my family and for the child that I am carrying. I still wanted to graduate and be a teacher and be a mother to this child,” she shared with us and throughout she is smiling and crying while caressing her tummy.
We stood up and cheered her up by doing our group hug. After that, we did our “ritual” dancing to Coconut Song, but we asked Rhiann to be careful because she is pregnant.
“So, I am the only one left to share,” Alexandre exclaimed.
“Yeah, that seems to be the case,” Benj replied and smiled to encourage Alexandre.
We all smiled as we waited for him to share his thoughts to us, strangers.
“So, I’m diagnosed with a terminal illness that... I don’t want to remember for now. The doctor told me that I have a year left to live. Yeah, that’s sad…” he bowed his head.
“Ever since I was a child, I have been in and out the hospital. I am always sick. I don’t know why. That’s why I never had any friends. All I had was my parents. They were always worried about me. I was homeschooled just like what I have told you earlier. That was really lonely because I kept on dreaming about how it feels to have friends…”
“Since I only have more or less than a year left to live, I asked my parents if they will let me make some friends and thankfully I found you guys. You fulfilled my dream of having friends. It is so heartwarming to hear your stories and to be here to comfort you. Now I know what it feels to have a friend…”
“May I ask if you, guys, do consider me as your friend? Because I consider you guys as my friends and I will forever treasure this friendship,” he asked.
“Yeahhh, you are fire! I mean you are a good friend,” Nick shouted.
“Yes, you have been a friend to us even if we just met a few hours ago,” I replied and raised my hand to give a thumbs up.
“Absolutely, you guys have been a friend to me. I’ll always treasure this moment,”Rhiann said, showing her smile.
For the last time this day, we danced The Coconut Song as we embraced, giggled, and savored each moment that we found each other.
“Rise and shine, friends,” Alexandre greeted us.
We danced last night until we could no longer. We spent the night sleeping here in the sand.
We woke up with pillows in our head and covered in blankets.
Alexandre woke us up by greeting us with his loud voice. “Good Morning! Rise and shine~”
“Oh it’s already morning,” I yawned, scratching my head.
“Where are we going?” Rhiann inquired.
“Oh can I sleep again?” Nick said while his eyes were still closed.
“We are going for a road trip,” Alexandre exclaimed.
He is currently preparing the food, the water, and the car that we will need for the trip.
We toured around Batangas. First, we went to Taal Volcano for sightseeing and picture -taking. Then, we ate inside a park. All of us tried the zipline except Rhiann because she thinks of the baby’s welfare.
I wish it’s like this everyday.
When we are on our way home, it’s almost sunset. We heard police sirens following our vehicle.
“Nick Torres, you are under arrest for possession of illegal drugs. Come with us voluntarily so we will not force you,” the police shouted using the megaphone.
“Alexandre, stop the vehicle now! Please!” he shouted. His face turned serious and after he approached the police car he looked back and gave us his smile.
Then, another police car followed,
“Rhiann, thank goodness you’re safe. Did they kidnap you,” a man in his forties hugged Rhiann.
“No, pa. They are my friends. I’ll go home with you, don’t bother them,” Rhiann said looking straight at his father’s eyes who is also a policeman.
She waved her hand as she bitterly smiled at us.
Alexandre then dropped me off at our street. I said my goodbyes and thank yous to him.
That is the last time I saw them.
A year has passed, I have been taking my medication and went back to school. I also joined an arts club to pursue and explore my passion, which is painting. My friends: Alexandre, Rhiann, and Nick, have been my inspiration. I still want to see them. I am holding onto meeting them again. Hopefully.
As my days were filled with my busy school life, medication, and arts club activities, I received a message from an unknown number.
From: Unknown Number
-Alexandre is sick. He is now in the hospital, he wants to meet you. He is currently admitted here in Saint Jude Hospital.
My heart exploded with emotion as I read that familiar name on my screen.
I went straight to the hospital. I found there standing in the entrance are the people I longed to see for a year: Rhiann and Nick. She gave me a teary-eyed smile.
I ran towards them and gave them the warmest hug and they returned that warm embrace back.
So much has changed. Rhiann now has straight hair up to her waist. Nick sports the shaved head look. And I have my 3 by 4 prescribed haircut by the school.
“I missed you guys,” I said to them teary-eyed as we said our hellos.
“I missed you too, Benj,” Rhiann said.
“Missed you too,” Nick said.
“Let’s go up and meet the boss, the mastermind,” I joked as we all went inside and inquired about Alexandre's room.
To our surprise, he’s already there in the lobby. Grinning as he approach us. He is wearing his hospital gown and beside him is the dextrose stand. He’s grown more pale , but that didn’t stop him from brightening up the room with his beaming smile.
“My hopefuls. My friends,” he greeted us.
“Alexandre!” we exclaimed as our smiles grew wider and excitement filled our hearts.
“Meet me on the rooftop, I’ll just change,” he said and he went upstairs with the assistance of the nurse.
“Voila, here comes the mastermind, as Benj would like to call me,” he surprised us. He is now wearing the same clothes he wore the last time we saw each other.
“I didn’t say that. Not guilty,” I joked as we entered the door that lead us to the rooftop.
There is sand on the floor and an inflatable pool. On the other side, a big pot was placed on a table and by the smell of it, I thought it’s bulalo. Our pictures are hung on a wall decorated with LED lights and stickers.
“You never fail to surprise us,” Rhiann said to him.
“Do you guys like it?” he asked.
“Bro, this is fire,” Nick shouted.
“I missed your “fire” compliments,” Alexandre laughed.
“Let’s reminisce about the day we met each other,” he started.
“Will we still dance your favorite Coconut Song?” I sarcastically asked.
‘Yes, he answered. “Dance that song at my funeral too.”
The atmosphere felt heavy after those words left his mouth. We felt sad knowing that he’ll leave us soon. I hope he’ll recover…so he'll stay with us a little longer.
I looked up to prevent the welling of the tears in my eyes. The sight of friendship. The breath of fresh air. The calm in the sea. I don’t want to lose this… yet.
“C’mon Benj, let’s eat first,” he invited me as I spaced out in the corner. Thinking about the future rather than enjoying the present.
We enjoyed the bulalo with the same bowls we used before at the beach.
“Are these the same bowls we used before?” Rhiann asked.
“I washed it, but yes, that’s the same,” Alexandre joked, slurping the bone marrow.
After we finished the meal, Alexandre stood up holding cards in his right hand.
“Let’s start our sharings again. I missed those times,” he said, his voice cracked.
“But, can you please…” he stopped, he looked down.
“Add what you would say in my eulogy,” he added, he looked at us with a bitter smile painted on his face.
We were shocked and sad at the same time. My mouth gaped and my heart ached. I fixed a smile to show him that we are with him.
“I’ll go first,” Nick volunteered, raising his hands.
He’s become more police-like now with his muscular built and upright posture.
“Well, you’ve seen me last at our adventure - an addict, highschool dropout, in short a nobody. Actually, I was the one who called the police. I surrendered myself. After meeting you guys, I wanted to be worthy of being friends with you. You inspired me. You helped me get out of that dark place. As you know, I was arrested. I was in jail. Someone bailed me out. It was anonymous. But I know it’s you, Alexandre. Thank you so much…” he went to give Alexandre a hug, he then wiped his tears.
“After I was bailed out, I went home to say sorry to my parents. I went back to school. I finished high school. Then, I applied to a university to study criminology. I am first in our class. Who would’ve thought that. My parents are now proud of me. They are now healthy too…” he sobbed.
“And for my eulogy. I don’t want to say this yet ‘cause I know you’ll still live. I wanted to thank you again and again, Alexandre. You don’t know how much that hug meant. When I shared my struggles before, you approached me and accepted me. I wanted you to stay. For me and for us,” he cried.
Alexandre approached him again, opening his arms offering a hug. We later on joined.
“Please volunteer me again, Alexandre,” I giggled.
“Sure, would you like to share, Benj, ” his voice is shaking, but he still manages to put up a smile for us.
I took a deep breath. I walked in front and faced them.
“I am Benj. After the trip we had last year, my life changed. I looked forward to seeing you again. You made me feel loved. The love that I was searching for. The love that I was deprived of. I am taking my medication now. I am fighting to live, I wish you would too, Alexandre…” I started, and the tears keep flowing.
“I also focused on my studies. I am now a part of an arts club. I pursued painting,” I went to open my bag and showed them my latest portrait.
“This is my latest portrait,” I explained.
The portrait showed the silhouette of four people dancing on the beach with the sunset as their backdrop.
“This is us. You, my friends, are my inspiration for this portrait.”
“My mother and I are still not on good terms, but I am trying to understand her. I still love her. It hurts. Hopefully, one day she will love me too. I can’t wait for that time to come. But, for now. I am beyond thankful for the love that you gave me. I still have it here in me,” I shared, as I pointed to my chest to emphasize my heart.
“To our mastermind’s eulogy,” I paused as they burst into laughter after hearing the word “mastermind”.
“ Whew. I don’t even know how to start. I want this reunion to be happy. I don’t want to lose one of you yet. I want us to share more memories together. I want to have more trips with you all. The stranger who planned the adventure that I’ll treasure forever. And I am not even exaggerating…”
“I want you to know that you have become a good, no, best friend anyone could ask for. I am thankful… again. I would miss you so much and we would always visit you. Right, guys?”
“Ofcourse”
“Without a doubt”
Alexandre hugged me when I returned to my seat.
“Thank you,” he whispered, as he tapped my shoulder.
I replied with a smile. A smile that is thankful. A smile that is full of love. A smile that is filled with hope.
Rhiann stood up to share next.
“Hello guys. How long has it been since I have seen the friends who are the best and the most true. Let me start with the beautiful baby boy who changed my life. His name is Rafael.” She showed the pictures of her child. A cute, bouncing baby boy who got the innocent face of her mother.
“He’s cute!” we exclaimed.
“Let’s start with the day that my father fetched me. They did not know about my pregnancy. I hid it until it could no longer be. I told them about it when my bump grew bigger. They were angry at first but it’s already right in front of them so what can they do? I cried and told them I am sorry for breaking their dreams for me. They hugged me and told me that they will accept the child inside my womb…”
“The next day was graduation day, I wore a flowy dress to hide the roundness of my bump. But since I graduated valedictorian, I made the choice to open about my pregnancy. I don’t want to have a mindset that the child I am carrying is a mistake because I knew that kid would do amazing in life and I would be there to support him…”
“They were all shocked. The father of my child did not approach me. I forgave him even if he did not apologize. What’s important now is that Rafael is healthy and I reunited with my best friends again. I am the happiest…”
“For the eulogy, to our dearest mastermind. If I may borrow Benj’s word. We are utterly grateful for what you have done for us. For bringing the light to our dark, despondent world. I hope you’ll still be here when Rafael is a teenager. I think you’ll be a good friend to him like you are to us. We hope that we can be that beacon of light to you in these times.”
We gathered to embrace and afterwards danced all night to our anthem - The Coconut Song.
We visited him everyday. His condition worsens everyday. It was a heartbreaking sight. We held his hand and told him stories of our adventures because he asks for that whenever we visit.
One Sunday night, my phone rang. It was Alexandre’s number. My hands were shaking. My heart pounding. My temple pulsating. I have a bad feeling, but I hope I am wrong.
“H-hello,” I answered.
“Alexandre passed away,” said by the man on the other line, his doctor.
I wasn’t able to answer. My mouth slowly gaped. I dropped on the floor. My heart felt heavy and I let the bitter waters flow down my cheek.
The next day was his funeral. We still cannot accept the fact that he died. We approached his parents and hugged them.
“You are Alexandre’s friends,” his mother asked.
“Y-yes, best friends,” I replied.
“He was very happy every time he talked about his friends. Thank you for making my child happy till his last days,” she said sobbing.
We hugged her.
We waited for others to go home. And Nick brought a speaker and connected his phone to it. He played the Coconut Song. Rhiann lead us with the dance that we’re supposed to show him the day he died.
When the song started. My knees felt weak, I dropped. And there I started crying.
“Alexandre, why did you do this to us? Why did you leave us?”
We continued the dance crying. I hope he sees this and I hope it makes him happy.
A few years later...
“Mr. Benjamin Valdez, are you ready?” the host asked.
I am here in this waiting room, scrolling through my phone. Looking at our picture on the beach and the rooftop. The day that my life changed… for the better.
“Yes,” I replied.
“A person recruited us, an HIV positive, a drug addict, and a pregnant high school student.Hopeless Hopefuls, that’s the name he called us. We shared our secrets and found comfort, love, and friendship in each other. That’s our story.”
Our hope shines the brightest when shared to other people. That’s what I have learned from Alexandre, Rhiann, and Nick. Strangers are truly the best people to share our secrets to. That the stranger we often judged because we thought he is a hopeless case can be a better person as long as someone will listen to them and be their friend.
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
— Walter Winchell
FINISH
Inspired by the novel “Wake Up, Dreamers” by AnakNiRizal
